The Journey Begins

This blog is from the heart and an open, honest declaration of what is on my heart and what I want to share. 

I created this blog so my family can get to know and understand me better.  They think they know me and maybe they do.  And maybe they don't.  Or maybe something in between.  So many times, people know you during a certain age or period of your life, and then they lock in your persona and your aura and you can't change their perception beyond that. I hope my family sees me as a deeper, healthier person through this blog.

I also created this blog that others who are dealing with family conflict due to Critical Race Theory know you are not alone. And my journey may mirror in some ways your journey.  And we will get through without losing our sense of self and our faith. And we can maintain our integrity and our love for others no matter how we are challenged.

My story.

I am 69.  My father died when I was almost 5. My mother was 21 at the time and had two children and gave birth to a third 2 weeks after my dad's car accident. Devastated with no money and no where to go, we lived with her parents in a very small house/shack in Mason City, Iowa. While waitressing, she met my stepfather and two years later they married.  He grew up in Germany and had been in the Hitler youth.  This was very problematic as to his learned behavior toward women and children was not healthy or supportive. We did not know how to grieve in a healthy way from my father's passing and we piled up emotion and pain while trying to get through life. My childhood is a long story of broken people and broken family. And broken people raise broken children.  The die was cast.

I met my husband, Larry, while a senior in high school.  I became pregnant and we married in 1971.  Our oldest son, Travis, was born 6 months after our wedding. We had two more children, Erika next and then Tara.  Erika dated a young man named Ray who was black. She became pregnant with our oldest granddaughter, Kia. 

Larry and I came to love Ray...because Erika loved Ray.  Larry hired Ray, lived with him on the road while working, and we got to know his parents and family. We continue to pray for Ray and his family. Erika and Ray did not get married and did not stay together.  Erika went on to meet and marry Chris and they had two more children, Josh and Brynn.

I was broken and a mess in every way.  I never learned about healthy love, unconditional love, and how to have healthy, constructive conflict.  I attended church because I wanted to believe there was something bigger, a higher purpose than what I was told.  I believed in God because I wanted to; I attended church because nice, caring people went there.  At the age of 16, when I could drive, I took my brother, Dick, with me. I questioned everything about faith.  I knew nothing of the Bible, of God, of Christ, and I wanted to know that I knew that He existed.  That prayer was answered.  At the age of 41 at a small country church, I was anointed and physically felt the presence of God and the infilling of the Holy Spirit.  That is my defining moment in life.

So, "it" begins.  This is not totally true.  I could feel things heating up within the family due to external forces.  But I willed for it all to go away...which it didn't, of course.

On January 7, a text from our mixed race granddaughter went out to the rest of the adults in the family (aunts, uncles, brother, grandmother and grandfather) right after our granddaughter returned to Washington, D.C. where she was living and going to Howard University.  This was the day after the storming of the capitol.

"You can try to cut it all these different ways. But the common denominator, through-line, consistent factor and persistent conflict is whiteness. Until folks are ready to confront what whiteness is, it's construct and function, we are stuck here. THE CAPITOL IS NOT SECURE, THE COUP'S STILL ONGOING." The white terrorists who have been attacking the government are your people.  They are all your people. Regardless of who you voted for, you are not absolved.  You are responsible.  Cut the white supremacy out of yourself and immediate surroundings or don't talk to me again. If you need examples of how you can hold yourself and other white people in your life accountable, I would be happy to point you to Google and the life experiences of the one black person in your life.

Well, this hurt...deeply.  No one said anything right away but a few days later things continued in a downward spiral through more texts and engagement. Finally, our youngest daughter, Tara, said she would do ANYTHING to keep the family together and asked Larry and I and also our son to study books and have a weekly dialog to address the issue Kia referred to. We agreed to do this.  

What is happening?

Larry and I felt we had no choice. We loved Kia and felt this was the only way to show her.  We loved her mom, Erika, who demanded we do this or we were not welcome at her home. So many things out of our control and so many nonnegotiable demands. I had a tough life as a kid, and Larry and I were married at a very young age and spent many years extremely broke and struggling. We could barely take care of ourselves let alone a social issue as big as this.

Our first and second virtual meeting was around the book, "White Fragility." It is so ironic.  I am still growing, healing and learning about myself so I can be healthy.  Now I am to undo everything I know and understand because I am inherently "wrong" and have oppressed black people.  Because I am white; because I am European white. I, who have never had much money and who have never had an ounce of self esteem, must unravel what little I have gained over the years through faith so I can be in relationship with my daughter, granddaughter and their family.  I had to figure out a path that respected the gains I made as a human being and as a follower of Christ.

What we do for love

I want to show my family a healthier way to life.  I am learning to have dominion through faith over my emotions and over my behavior.  I am learning that you have to let go of people and things since you can't control them anyway (don't want to) and so you don't end up codependent which I did with my family because I was so afraid they would not love me.  In the end, everything we fear ends up square in our face.  It just does. So, here I was facing my worse fear.  If I don't do this CRT journey/study, then I will not be in relationship with my children and grandchildren. And they will not be in relationship with me and love me for who I am.

Ironically, at the urging of another person, I started an online study, "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" just before the family text.  I thought I had nothing to forgive and I was so wrong. Throughout that study, I had a ton of things I never fully dealt with or brought to a peaceful resolution in my heart.  I grew tremendously through the support of that group and through the biblical teachings of that book. Amazing how God knew before I did that I would need that.  God also wakes me up in the middle of the night to give me scripture or give me a vision.  Always right before I need it and always to give me comfort and encouragement.  So, I was studying that book and leading that bible study in parallel to the books and weekly meetings with my two youngest children and husband.  I strongly recommend doing this to any family going through CRT.  CRT is a heavy, dark subject and, without faith and no counter balance or thought, can be too much to bear. Every CRT book I've read cherry picks truth toward action to change the dynamic for black and indigenous people.  There is a broad truth that includes many people throughout the centuries who, as white people, opposed slavery and gave their life for this cause.  These are barely mentioned because the inherent goal is for white people to feel responsible for their ancestors poor behavior and take action to lower themselves in stature through this theory and, therefore and conversely, raise black people to a position with more power and influence.

What is truth?

There is irrefutable truth that blacks were inhumanely taken from their families and made slaves.  And brutalized and treated as animals.  I could go on and on, and it sickens me that anyone felt justified in doing this. And those that did reinforced its possibility to others so it would continue. And they used whatever influence and means available to them to reinforce the status quo.

Who did this?  People with money, power and influence.  What is happening today?  People with money, power and influence want what they want (money, power, influence, votes, whatever) and they are saying and doing whatever it takes to get it.  The cycle goes on and on. Personally, I know money, power and influence do not satisfy the soul.  Power and greed corrupts...absolutely.  But people who don't have it want it and those that have it want more.  The only thing that breaks that cycle is faith.  True faith, not just going to church on Sundays.  But believing there is a God and Christ died for "me" that I would be saved and live with Him in Heaven. Believing that love is the only cure for hate and light is the only thing that casts out darkness.

I am appalled at the lies and selfish interpretations of the Bible toward power and greed.  God and Christ are not surprised, I know. With all the information available to us, we still do not seek the truth and we are not open to opinions that do not resonate with us.  We have lost our critical thinking skills, sold to the closest voice that convinces us how we should think.  We don't challenge anything anymore and we are more divided than ever by hate and perception.  Who benefits?  Those in positions of power and influence.  We do not see this; it is masked as moral and ethical high ground. 

Faith

After my born-again experience, the world opened up to me. I wish I could say I became whole overnight.  Well, I did.  But that was the only the beginning of the journey. I have become more whole if that makes sense as I learn to hear His voice, do His will, and surrender my life. I will be transformed throughout my life as I become more like Jesus which will not stop until my body dies. I love people. Period. Everything that has happened in my life has become an asset as God uses me. And my vast experiences with the death of a parent, alcoholism (parents), unfaithfulness (stepfather), and more means I have true apathy for those experiencing the same. Somehow, faith gets twisted in CRT.  Christianity is under attack and the history of Christians and slavery is disheartening. I cannot condone what happened in any way.  However, I can speak personally that people who are born again (not just religious) have a unique perspective of the world...through God's eyes. A denial of the Holy Spirit after a born again experience is the only unforgiven sin.  I know, literally, three people who have been born again and have a deep personal relationship with Christ.  They are truly different in every way from people who attend church weekly. I can only believe the people who supported slavery early on and advocated the continued abuse were Christians in name only.  

I read that the first 300 years after Christ were the "Age of Faith."  The church grew like crazy; people were hungry to hear about Jesus.  Then came the "Age of Reasoning."  Left to our own devices, we will also find a way to reinforce our own perceptions and beliefs which were quickly developed and affirmed throughout our lives.  What if we put our guard down, our self-centered beliefs, and laid bare our stories?  What if we made it a point to hear everyone's story, black or white, man, woman or child? We are so busy advocating our own perceptions and story that we give not a wit about someone else's. There is a total lack of compassion, empathy and love.  Everyone is looking for this.  And we engage in battles that reflect our anger and hatred because we can't find love in others.

Some Day

I have hope.  And I have hope because God tells me in the Bible that those who persevere will find hope (Romans 5:1-5). I also know that love always win. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

I am learning to be a patient believer.  Giving all to God.  He restores. He reconciles. Not me.

So, I am learning to let go...even my children and grandchildren.  I am freeing them and I am freeing myself.  And I am learning to set boundaries.  Loving boundaries that honor me and others.  And I am growing in faith.  Loving as God loves.  Giving as Christ intends.  

The journey continues....